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Y kawika

Sunday funnies........

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I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

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I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

 

 

Awesome!!

 

:) Y

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A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

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21-channel CB radio

That's a little different. Would that be an old circa 1974 CB with two broken channels? 40 channel radios came out in 1977 and I'm unaware that anyone made 23 channel radios after 1980, Why would he put an old CB in a tricked out rig? You can get a new radio for less than $50.

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One for the ladies...........


"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."


This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.


What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect

yourself?


A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.


Here is her story:


While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana, with my soon to be ex-husband,

discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging

from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.


If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I

would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ...

the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.


:gator:


:) Y

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I was working out at the gym when I spotted a
sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me,

"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said,

"I would highly recommend the ATM in the lobby."

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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the
flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a
bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova
Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to
the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the

flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a

bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or

friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova

Scotia back country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a

typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently

gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers

and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to

the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was

already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played

out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played

like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I

wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and

started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never

seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks

for twenty years."

 

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

:rofl3:

 

 

 

 

:geezer:

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Ah, Led Zeppelin. Yes, we must all support Mr. Page and his painstaking efforts to tweak his ancient recordings to sell yet again to his idiot fans. Life is not life without hearing a slightly alternative recording of the most overrated song this planet has ever known. But to give Page his due, cocaine and underage sex partners are not so easily obtained when one hits 70. I guess you can't really blame him, can you?

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Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400...coorrect?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400,not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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